I recently re-read an article that I had pulled from the May 2012 edition of SELF Magazine entitled, “Staying on Point.” It was written by Katherine B. Weissman, whose identity was her work – until she was laid off.
According to her website, www.katherineweissman.com, she spent the majority of her career in editing, and served as the Executive Editor at the now defunct Mademoiselle, a position she had held for 18 years. In 2000, she went from editing to writing. For ten years, she was a freelance Contributing Editor for O, the Oprah Magazine.
In the article, Ms. Weissman wrote that she had been “enamored” with ballet all of her life beginning at the tender age of six, with the goal of “toe shoes”, or pointe shoes. Although she had first tried ballet around the age of 10, she kept studying ballet in her thirties and on, but assumed her goal of going on toe had passed.
Then she lost her job, and ultimately, her nerve.
There were a few lines in her article that struck a chord with me, in that I had similar feelings when I was laid off at the end of February 2012.
“I’ve always been one of those good-girl employees, eager to please, determined to make myself indispensable,” Ms. Weissman wrote.
I could totally relate. I have always tried to make myself an indispensable employee. More often than not, I took on more roles than someone in my position should, but I did it because I wanted to make myself indispensable.
“I felt rejected, with that same sick dread that takes over when a boyfriend dumps you,” she wrote. “And, as after a breakup, I felt fear and panic. Would anybody want me ever again?”
I spent almost seven months searching for a new job, trying to get back into public relations after having spent over nine years out of the field. And as I neared the big 4-0, I often thought that no business or company wants a nearly 40-year-old woman whose been out of the PR industry for almost nine years!
“Without work, my life looked and felt very different from before. I used to wake up feeling purposeful,” Ms. Weissman wrote. “In this new world, I opened my eyes in a state of anxiety, the day stretching before me without demands. With my messy hair and sweatpants, I felt as if I had a scarlet U (for unemployed) emblazoned on my chest.”
She goes on to say that without money, the thought of purchasing anything, whether it was her share of lunch or little fashion and beauty splurges, made her feel guilty. She felt as if she was “in mourning for her lost job and her old, focused life.”
I don’t feel like I was “mourning” my lost job, but I was definitely mourning my old, focused life. I needed a job, not only for the benefits, but I needed a job to feel purposeful and needed, and yes, indispensable.
“Some people might argue that grief is a time to be tender with yourself. But what I needed was a drill sergeant,” she wrote.
I, too, felt the need for a drill sergeant to kick my butt into gear. I started going to the gym more: a yoga class; abdominal class; a weight training class set to music; a step/cardio, weights, balance and abs class (also set to music); and sometimes, Zumba. I also had a support system in place, namely my friend Jennifer, who took the weight training class with me.
The rest of the article details Weissman’s push to “go on toe,” which she finally did.
“When you can’t see what lies ahead, it’s normal to become more tentative, to give in to the impulse to sink into your hips and thighs, fall back on your heels and fix your eyes nearer to the ground,” Ms. Weissman wrote. “The posture of ballet, and particularly on pointe, is exactly the opposite. I am forced to pull myself up as far as I can go and then some.”
Like Ms. Weissman, I am forced on a daily basis to pull myself up as far as I can go and then some. Since I read her article in SELF, I have browsed her website and have been encouraged by her words.
I knew there was a job out there for me, that would utilize my special skill set, and that would pay me what I was worth. I just had to be patient, keep applying, and eventually, I would snag the job that’s perfect for me. In the meantime, I kept blogging and writing, dressing my dress form, and dabbling in watercolor painting.
And from here on out, I will always strive to “stay on point”!
[A special Thank You to Ms. Weissman, who gave me permission to use quotes from her article, “Staying on Point”. ]
Yours Truly,
Vanessa
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It is a balancing act – the mentality of picking yourself up after a loss and striving to be even better than you were before. It’s a matter of patience, discipline, focus, and sometimes a healthy dose of luck. I’m sure you’ll get there, though.
Thanks for the interesting read!
Thank you for reading my blog and for your encouraging words! It is a balancing act, and thankfully I’m taking yoga so I can improve my balance (ha ha ha)! Thanks again!
I really enjoyed what you have shared, I believe there quite a few of us who are experiencing some of those feeling or thoughts becouse of such circumstances life can fling us into. Thank you Vanessa for your encouragement.