When do you know that it’s time to let go of a friendship? How do you go about separating yourself from them when every fiber in your being wants to make the friendship work? How do you let go?
“We are neither on good terms or bad. We are no longer anything.”
I’ve been reading Maria Menounos’s book, The EveryGirl’s Guide to Life, and I recently finished reading a chapter entitled, “EveryGirl Friends and Family.”
In this chapter, she says that:
“A good friend, to me, is:
Someone who is there for you when you need him or her.
Someone who is a good listener.
Someone who will defend you in tough times, and yet has the courage to stand up to you and be honest.
Someone who inspires you and helps you make you a better person.
Someone who wants to see you succeed.
Someone who is respectful.”
There is a section in this chapter about friends to lose. “I know it isn’t easy. Many bad friends whom we’ve known forever fit into a comfort zone, and it’s hard to step away. You just have to do it.” And what kind of friend are they to others? “Do they gossip about other friends to you or others you know? When they’ve been wronged, do they respond in a healthy manner? … If you notice people acting or reacting in this manner, then distance yourself from them.”
Ms. Menounos asked Dr. Gail Saltz, a top psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who specializes in relationship issues, to talk about these relationship issues in a sidebar in the book. Dr. Saltz says that “the key with friends is you don’t have to like everything about them, but you must like more things about them than you don’t like.” She goes on to say that if we want to discuss a troubled friendship that “first we must identify that there is trouble in the relationship” and that the key is to keep the lines of communication open. When asked why should you end a friendship, Dr. Saltz says to ask yourself if the other person is worth it to you. “Are they capable of change? Will they put in the work to save the friendship? …There are friendships where you just naturally drift away.”
I recently read an article about how to divorce a toxic friend. You can read that article on the Daily Mail. In this article, Mark Vernon, author of The Meaning of Friendship, offers tips on how to “unchoose” a friendship. He says that “friendships have a life-cycle” but that it’s natural for friendships to end. Vernon also says to set boundaries and avoid mix messages, and to do this, you can “start declining invitations to spend time with that person.” And if that person approaches you to ask you why you seem to be avoiding them, Vernon says to “brave it in person” because you need to give them an explanation. He goes on to say that the truth may sting, that you need to “remember to take responsibility for this friendship… that it’s not all one-sided.” Another tip is to not bad-mouth them, which is hard to do because you’re feelings are hurt. Finally, he says to stay Facebook pals, but “if you’re sure the friendship is over, unfriend them.”
I recently lost a close friend. I mean, I guess we’re still friends “at work”, but we’re not as close as we once were. A few months ago, she unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me from seeing her page. And then she unfollowed me on Instagram and blocked me from seeing her profile and from requesting to follow her. And here’s the kicker… for a whole two days I couldn’t understand why. Even now, I’m still a little baffled by her distancing herself.
Then I let myself reflect on our friendship. She recently approached me and told me that she knew something about someone I love, something that happened over 12 years ago. This thing that happened is not something I have shared with anyone, and I was a little shocked that she had not only found out about this situation, but that she actually skirted around my question about how she found out. I explained things to her, as best I could, and she left me with the impression that she still cared about our friendship regardless of this situation in my past.
However, for the past month or so, I have felt a fear that she would use my past against me or that she would use this issue to dissolve our friendship. During this past month, she has been aloof at times. I have tried to maintain a friendship with her. I have tried to talk to her. Sometimes she is cold and distant, and other times she is warm and friendly and talkative. I could say that I have used my fear to become a “mean girl” and that my negative actions were like those described in Ms. Menounos’ book. I was gossipy, I was sarcastic, I was not motivating, I was not friendly… and as a result, I have lost a friend that at one time, meant the world to me.
I’m crying inside because of the loss of this friendship. I have shed many tears because I realize that I need to let our friendship go. But it’s hard, you know? I have replayed conversations we’ve had, interactions we’ve had, over and over in my mind and I come up with the same sad conclusion. Our friendship may truly be over. I even messaged her, apologizing for my actions and my behavior towards her, but she never acknowledged my message or me for that matter. And now she has has resigned, moving on to another job elsewhere, and she still has not acknowledged my messages. I just wish that she would talk with me, tell me what I did (if anything), and then we can work on either repairing our friendship or come to terms with the dissolution of our friendship and move one. I guess she felt like our friendship wasn’t worth saving, that she can’t get past the past of my loved one, and therefore, can’t be friends with me anymore. So now I just need to release it and let it go, with or without her acknowledgement of my trying to reach out to her.
I recently read another good article on important reasons to let a friendship go when those people no longer play an important part in your life, which you can read on Elite Daily . One reason that hit home with me was that the trust and loyalty is no longer there. “Trust and loyalty are the foundation of any friendship and relationship.” Another reason that touched a nerve was to “let go because you are unclear of where things stand.” Well, sadly, I am at that point now.
So, like the quote above says, I will forgive myself first. I will release the need to replay a negative situation over and over again in my mind. I won’t become a hostage to my past by always reviewing and reliving my mistakes, and I won’t let others make me feel guilty over my past mistakes. I won’t remind myself of what should have, could have, or would have been. I will release it and let it go. I will move on. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.
Have you had to let a friendship go because it was no longer good for you? Or did a friend distance them self from you because you were not good for them?
Yours Truly,
Vanessa
**Note: I have seen a lot of other bloggers and writers discussing the topic of how to left a friendship go. I was planning to post this at the end of August, but I decided to go ahead with publishing it, hoping that by posting it will help me to “let it go and move on.”
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